“And now for a little humor!”

CHURCH SIGNS

1.      CHURCH PARKING – FOR MEMBERS ONLY!  Trespassers will be baptized!

2.      No God – No Peace.  Know God – Know Peace

3.      Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!

4.      Try our Sundays.  They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

5.      Come in and pray today.  Beat the Christmas rush.

6.      Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.

7.      How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-Smoking?

8.      Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.

9.      Come and work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long, and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

10.  It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

11.  If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

12.  If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.

13.  A ch__ch is a church when (UR) in it.

SERMON IN SOAP (Thank you Alice Zweifel) 

DUZ you DREFT with the TIDE?  VEL, now is the time to CHEER up.  If you want real JOY, the TREND is to BREEZE to church on Sunday.  Too many WOODBURY their heads in a pillow, or work to make their cars SPARKLE, forgetting the Lord's Day is made of LESTOIL.  When the Lord is put first, a DOVE will never need to send an SOS.  Maybe we ought to DIAL you to remind you of IVORY palaces yonder.  Worship is your LIFEBUOY; so WISK yourself out of bed with ZEST next Sunday.  Dress up SPIC AND SPAN, and DASH like a COMET to Sunday School and church.  When you've sung praises to God, you'll feel like MR. CLEAN all week!

One Sunday morning, Pastor Larson noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.  It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it.  The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."  "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.  "Pastor, what is this?"  "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."  Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.  Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45, sir?"

A visiting minister began to give the offertory prayer.  "Dear Lord," he said, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you we are but dust..."  He would have continued, but at that moment one little child leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly,

How to have a

      “No Excuses” Sunday (author unknown)

 In order to make it possible for everyone to attend church next week, we are planning a special no-excuse Sunday. 

1.       Cots will be placed in the narthex for those who say, “Sunday is my only day for sleeping in.”

2.       Eye drops will be available for those watching TV too late on Saturday night.

3.       We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if they show up for church services.

4.       Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is too cold.  Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too hot.

5.       We will have hearing aids for the parishioners who say, “The pastor doesn’t talk loudly enough.”  There will be cotton for those who say, “The pastor talks too loudly.”

6.       Scorecards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites.

7.       We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

8.       There will be TV dinners available fro those who claim they can’t go to church and cook dinner, too.

9.       One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who see God in nature, especially on the golf course.

10.   The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies to create a familiar environment for those who have never seen the church without them.

TAKE TIME (author unknown)

                                                 Take time to THINK…

      It is the source of power.

Take time to PLAY…

      It is the secret of perpetual youth.

Take time to READ…

      It is the fountain of wisdom.

Take time to PRAY…

      It is the greatest power on earth.

Take time to LOVE and BE LOVED…

      It is a God-given privilege.

Take time to be FRIENDLY…

      It is the road to happiness.

Take time to LAUGH…

      It is the music of the soul.

Take time to GIVE…

      It is too short a day to be selfish.

Take time to WORK…

      It is the price of success.

Take time to DO CHARITY…

      It is the key to heaven.

      A church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.  “I’ve gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons.  But for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them.  So, I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.” 

      This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column, much to the delight of the editor.  It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:  “I’ve been married for 30 years now.  In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.  But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single on of those meals.  But I do know this…They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.  If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.  Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!”  

      When you are DOWN to nothing…God is UP to something!  Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible, and receives the impossible!  Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment! 

 Quote of the Day:

HUMOR for the SOUL!

1.       Be ye fishers of men…You catch them – He’ll clean them.

2.       Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

3.       Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

4.       Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

5.       Forbidden fruits create many jams.

6.       God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

7.       God grades on the cross, not the curve.

8.       God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”

9.       God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

10.   He who angers you, controls you!

11.   If God is your Co-Pilot – swap seats.

12.   Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

13.   Prayer:  Don’t give God instructions, just report for duty!

14.   The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

15.   The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

16.   We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

17.   You can tell how big a person is by what it takes do discourage him.

                                    author unknown

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our congregation?   There is old man DIC TATE who wants to run everything, while uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.  Their sister AGI TATE stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her husband, IRI TATE.  Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE want to wait until next year.  Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in church matters.  And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.  Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and lend a helpful, steady hand.  And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of the congregation.